Earth Song

Australian music is pretty awesome I think. I'm not actually sure which of the bands on GoldFM/oldies are actually Australian and which aren't, but right NOW I think Australian bands are good. Sometimes I wonder why they don't achieve more of a mainstream appeal in the likes of America but then I'm happy to have them the way they are. They can be our little secret. Even in Japan I sometimes like to stream Triple J so I can keep a vague grasp on what's happening down under but I don't expect I'll ever hear it (Australian music) on the radio.

(The plural in 'hits' confuses me a little)

In fact, when I actually turn on the radio it's rare to hear much English at all. Most of Japan's pop music is, like its TV shows, from Japan. 'J-Pop' as it is recognised around the world is pretty much only popular in Japan... and in the computer room of Japanophiles. I like Japan don't get me wrong, but I don't like Japanese music. It's not that I can't understand it (although that's definitely a factor) it's just the sound. It's like ... cheap pop.

Much of Japan's hit music comes from groups, more specifically, girl bands and boy bands. Pre-packaged for maximum enjoyment amongst teenage girls/boys. Mostly girls. Only girls. They are always dressed in accordance with each other, always amicable, sort of talented and charming. Every time a boy or girl band is on a tv show they smile and are fun to watch and usually they throw a performance at the end.

These are the bands that can feasibly fit onto a talk show environment, that is.

What could that slightly cryptic last sentence mean? Ladies and Gentleman, I'll dive straight in and introduce you to AKB48. AKB stemming from it's origin in Tokyo, AKihaBara ... and 48 referencing the amount of members. There are 48 performers in this group. Forty Eight. They have split the group up into 3 teams (Team A, K and B) so they can perform in several places and not over crowd each other. Further to this, factor in appearances on other TV shows with only a few members from each team and you literally have a military force to be deployed at a whim.

(Soldiers of DEATH)

This phenomenon of creating miniature armies is possibly due to EXILE, a boy band featuring approximately 14 members. The strange thing here is that only two of them sing, another two of them sing a little AND dance, and the remaining ten are exclusively dancers. Their songs are quite popular amongst teens and their concerts are usually sold out. It stands to reason that a band featuring ten dancers would put on a hell of a live show... but I'm still not convinced.

(You don't really need to waste your time actually looking at all of them)

Arashi (Storm, in English) only have 5 members so it's a lot easier to remember who they are. These guys are popular because there is only five of them and it's easier to manoeuvre them around... Also because of their songs. Despite their raging name they're extremely poppy and zero in on the 'girls that like pretty boys' demographic. Some of the guys are also stars in various TV shows and movies so they're pretty much constantly accessible. I remember seeing them on a show with the next group in the list, learning how to do the dance for the song 'Chocolate Disco'.

(Showing their versatility - Moody and happy. Nice job guys)

PERFUME is a group featuring 3 woman but with their powers combined they sound like an over produced pile of auto-tune. Originally all three members had a Chinese character in their name which meant 'sweet smell' (香), hence the name, but then one of them left and the replacement had a different name. Sort of ruined it but it was only after the swapping of people did the group actually become famous. I must admit though I have a bit of a soft spot for this group. They're just so cute! Part of their marketing ploy is that they dance (almost eliminating the need for singing) and it's just mesmerising to watch them. Go on. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaatch.

(Can't actually embed this youtube clip so I shoved a picture and a link in there.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W63nzvIoFJU

They wear the above clothing when performing this song live... I like the hats.

SMAP is another artist that demands capital letters. They're a very successful band that also have a TV show titled 'SMAP x SMAP' just in case once wasn't enough. They do all the things on TV that I mentioned in my last blog post about Japanese TV (minus the porn) and even have a wide variety of guests on it too. I showed a clip of SMAP performing with Coldplay to my students last year (as part of the last class with my 3rd year students) in a vain attempt to show the students that learning English can yield a positive result - results were varied.

It should be noted though that I think this is a wonderful demonstration of culture exchange. Chris Martin took the time to learn some Japanese songs when he performed here and SMAP did quite a reasonable performance of this popular song too.

Angela Aki is a popular singer songwriter who speaks and performs in both English and Japanese. She has a particularly famous song loved across the country as a graduation song. She is popular as I said, but I mention her on this blog because a friend of mine in Otawara looks a lot like her.

(Right??)

Hatsune Miku is different from the above stars in that she is not actually a real person. A voice actress had her voice completely recorded and re-programmed into some music making software that can then 'sing'. This proved to be exceptionally popular in Japan, because they're weird like that, and has resulted in a huge following. People have created songs using her voice and some of these songs have actually reached the pop charts here. This has lead to a live concert of her. The results are mind boggling.

(It's in equal parts mesmerising and terrifying.)

It's not actually a hologram, it's an image projected onto a screen. If you look throughout the performance you can see the screen I'm talking about. Still kinda weird isn't it? This has lead to several spin-offs with lots of disproportionate characters singing in their super high pitched voices. Splendid.

Of course all of the above examples are sort of the extreme side of Japanese music. It should be noted that there is quite a lot of 'regular' or 'standard' music in the Japanese music word, too. The kind of artists that don't feel the need to be odd in order to be interesting. These artists are quite good, but as I mentioned earlier, they sing in Japanese so I can't really understand them very well.

(and lord knows I am DYING to know what SHE'S talking about ...)

When my friend Brendan came to visit me last year he had a goal to buy some Japanese hip hop music. Being a bit of an aficionado with hip hop he managed to choose quite a good group/guy who I have since put onto my mp3 player. Eelman. That's the name of the guy. I like his song called 'Unity'. If you're interested you can look it up but I worry I have forced to much Japanese music on you throughout this blog so please take your time...... It's not on youtube.

In fact while I'm on the topic, there's this wonderful music place up in the nearby mountains that I go to with my accomplice Hayley. During the day it is small shop that sells silver-based jewelery and delicious burgers, but during the night it transforms to this cool little acoustic place for live music. The artists that play are actually fairly famous and have performed on the stage at some of the biggest music festivals around Japan.

(Exhibit A.)

It's a nice sort of feeling to go to one of these nights (they happen throughout the year at fairly common intervals) and even if we don't understand the music, it's still nice to go through the motions, if that makes sense. It's like when you walk in the doors they have the fireplace happening and the music is cool and the food is great. It's the sort of thing you don't really find so frequently in Japan.

Which I guess is where I want to finish this blog. If I think about it, the music that is considered pop music in Australia isn't actually super popular amongst my friends there. It's the laid back genre of music that strikes more of a chord and that's why I wanted to let everyone know that it's here. Japan has some weird stuff going on but at least now we know that at it's core, it's OK.

Japan is OK everyone.

World Go Round

Recently I went to a place called Korea, maybe you've heard of it?

(not quite THIS Korea)

I went to Korea because it is quite close to Japan... and frankly it's just not on the way to anywhere. Meaning if I didn't go to Korea now, then I would probably never go. I am interested in Korea though, don't get me wrong. I went with two of my friends so we arranged our accommodation and what not together. We did not, however, plan any kind of activity to do upon arrival so many days were severely under planned and uncoordinated - but that's way I like it.

We were able to visit a lot of interesting and beautiful places in Seoul. From huge market-like areas for shopping, to tall towers for viewing the city, to the quirky/chic areas for people watching and the nightlife areas for drinking. Seoul is of course a huge city but because of the wonderful subway system it's extremely easy to get from point A to point B without much difficulty.

I could probably talk about the city and what we did for quite a while but you can do all that yourselves if you're interested in going. Instead I'll point out some nice things that I thought of or learned along the way and maybe by the end you will want to check it out a bit.

(Because THEY certainly seem interested!)

One thing I experienced which hasn't so much been a problem lately was the language barrier. I don't speak Korean as you may or may not know, so my ability to communicate was unfortunately limited to saying hello, thank you, and gestures. A lot of people could speak English but it always makes me feel self conscious to have to rely on it - it makes me feel lazy. Like I should learn their language because they're learning mine.

The Korean writing system (Hangul) is extremely easy to get the hang of and because it is a phonetic alphabet, it means that anyone can read it and pronounce it even if they don't understand what it means. English is harder because of the language's history and therefore, it's many exceptions to rules. Many words can be spelled similarly but pronounced differently. Before going to Korea I didn't learn Hangul but by the end it was possible to read some station names just from picking up some of the common symbols on signs. It makes me wonder if I should go ahead and learn it now?

(I don't think I could explain this in any language)

Korean people put a lot of effort into their outward appearance. I guess we all do to an extent but it's particularly noticeable in Korea, I think. A kind of cosmetic surgery to turn 'single' eyelids to 'double' eyelids is quite popular (as it makes the eyes seem bigger), beauty products are quite cheap and effective, and of course the fashion in Korea is of a very high standard. Everyone there is just so beautiful!

Because Seoul is such a big city then it stands to reason that Seoulites are used to seeing so many foreigners. In Japan I live in the countryside where foreigners are not so common, which means the Japanese people here are more excited to see us (foreigners) and will often try hard to speak and include us in things. People in Seoul don't really care so much and I think find foreigners to be more annoying than anything else. I can't really blame them for that though!

(Foreigners. Annoying Koreans for YEARS)

The conflict between North and South Korea was not particularly prevalent in my opinion. We went up to the Demilitarised Zone (the area between North and South Korea) and did a tour around the various places. When we went on the tour we weren't able to go to some of the places because of the recent tension between the two sides but we were able to at least learn a little about the situation. You may know this already but the capital, Seoul, is actually extremely close to the border. The people of North Korea have had to go through a lot and will probably be stuck in famine for a long time more. Our tour guide was extremely bright and cheerful though (oddly so?) which meant we could learn a lot but not be dragged down too much by heaviness of it all.

All males in South Korea must join the army for 21 months. If you are born with one Korean parent but live in a different country, you must choose to either take part in the army or lose your Korean citizenship. If you are a celebrity you must still participate in the army. There are exceptions for the handicapped and (oddly enough) for those who bring national pride to Korea, for example, gold medal winning athletes. However the general rule is mandatory army service. The range for this service though is quite varied and soldiers can be stationed all over the country in any manner of job. Some could be lucky ... some could be forced to hide in the freezing mountain border to watch North Korea.

(or be forced to to this. I don't envy you chicken soldiers)

Kimchi is one of the most popular foods in Korea and is served with everything. It's like spicy, fermented vegetables (usually cabbage). Upon ordering a meal, several plates of various kimchi related foods will be served as sides. In 2010 there wasn't much rainfall so the price of cabbages skyrocketed in an event deemed a national tragedy by Korean Newspapers. They've solved the problem by importing cabbages from abroad, but it's an indication of how important kimchi is to Korea. I didn't mind the flavour... not the best thing in the world but definitely a nice addition to a meal - super healthy too.

Alcohol in Korea has all the standards plus some special Korean kinds as well. Soju is a distilled drink made from a rice base (or other starch based foods) and is both cheap and delicious. Sugar is added in the manufacturing process to make it sweeter so it can be drank by itself no problems. The other famous Korean-made alcohol is Makkoli which is basically a Korean rice wine. It's not very strong (6%?) but it's quite sweet and very easy to drink. It's usually served in a communal bowl in the centre of the table so people can ladle it themselves. Traditional, no?

Otherwise the rest of the food in Korea is generally quite spicy (not too bad though!) and is usually quite meaty in content. A typical Korean style restaurant will have many tables in a big room with a miniature barbeque built into each table. The rooms will often spill outside with plastic tents/annexes used to protect people from the outside conditions. It's a wonderful, lively environment where the positive atmosphere from one group can easily liven up the next group. Alcohol is plentiful and the food is even more plentiful.

(Korean dining = meat + kimchi)

The Korean entertainment industry responsible for the 'Korean Wave' across the world is by all means quite impressive. K-pop is becoming more and more popular and Korean drama's have been popular throughout Asia for quite some time now. I put K-pop up there with J-pop (which I will talk about in a future blog) but there are some big differences between them. K-pop is sexier, J-pop (Japanese pop) is cuter. I have only watched one Korean movie so far; Old Boy. It's a very good movie and has won many awards but is possibly not the best movie to use to gain an insight into Korea culture. It has ... heavy themes. Here is some K-pop for y'all!

(Korean amazingness)

I don't know many people from Korea but I have one friend who I was able to meet up with a few times there. It was important for me to experience the nightlife from a local's point of view and not just see the sights of the city. So this way I could learn more about Korea from a Korean person and see some of the better bars and nightclubs around town. Plus frankly, having a good time was probably higher on my list than learning about Korea's ancient history. I don't remember the names of the era's Korea has gone through - but I CAN tell you the names of the bars I visited...... sort of. Obviously the activities performed in a bar impair that sort of thing.

So all in all I had a wonderful time in Seoul. Aside from the DMZ up north we didn't really leave the city so if I go back again it might be nice to check the rest out. Down south there is a city called Busan which has been described to be a bit like Melbourne which sounds nice! As I mentioned before though, Korea is a little out of the way. I DO want to go to Mongolia one day though...

(Artists interpretation)

amTV

This blog marks the first of my blogs into the foray of Japanese media. As Japan is not a predominantly English speaking country, there are many things from overseas that they can't understand or that simply don't make sense due to the culture or the time etc. Therefore Japan has been forced to either translate the media they are given from around the globe, or better yet, produce it's own media for the enjoyment of the people.

Living in Australia we have, admittedly, a fairly small population. Australian media isn't really anything to call home about. Personally I love it but I think it really only caters to, or makes sense to Australians. That's why Kath and Kim didn't work in America, fundamentally it's just not what they want. But because of the language we speak we have access to more media than we can handle. Media is literally being pushed down our various facial orifices (orifi?).

(including our head hole)

Of course as can be expected, Japanese TV will show the news, sports, dramas and so on. But today, it's the 'so on' part that I want to type about. You see, in between the landmines of news or current events there is a gold mine of entertainment. It can generally be broken down into a few subcategories; beginning with ever ubiquitous variety shows. Remember watching ridiculous Japanese game shows on Australia's Funniest Home Videos and the like? They're a bit more modern than that and are usually held on a smaller scale... But it's the same idea.

Take the video below for example; A man must lie on a cart and push it forward to land within 30cm of the woman's breasts. If he is to accidentally ram his face into her bajooba's then he receives an electric shock. Makes sense. Go on, watch.

Variety shows are generally littered with Japanese 'celebrities'. These people, called 'talents' (despite the lack of any), are often famous for some kind of gimmick which can be some kind of catchphrase, a clothing antic or some recognisable bodily feature (weight, teeth, eyebrows etc.). They are famous literally for being famous and generally don't contribute much to the world. Really they are perfect fodder for shows like this which would explain why there is just so many of them.

(Ayaka Imoto, eyebrows // Haruna Ai, actually a man // Bobby Olegon, black)

Above is just a few examples of what one can expect upon turning on the TV. It's sensational. These people don't actually get paid very much and can only afford a mediocre life in Tokyo so obviously the more appearances in various shows the better. This is often accomplished by having them take part in one of the numerous food-related shows available in Japan.

What's odd about Japanese food shows is that they usually don't actually teach you how to cook. They involve various people/talents roaming Japan to discover some kind of new food or technique, then, after discussing it depth, show it and eat it. Japanese people love to exclaim their love of food to such an extent it borders on mockery. There are two primary words in Japanese to describe how tasty something is which essentially equate to 'delicious', and 'yum' - these are shouted in between over exaggerated swallows and looks of surprise by the eatee.

(Although not usually by world's greatest hot dog eater, Takeru Kobayashi)

Finally we change the channel to anime. Japanese animation. Japanimation. Whatever you want to call it, we've all seen it and we all know what it is. I did some research on the beginnings of anime but it's long and boring so I won't bother. What I will tell you is that cartoons such as Pokemon and old school Transformers don't even scratch the surface of this phenomenon.

(Girls anime // Boys anime)

(Adult // Slice of Life)

(Mecha // Hobby (music, sport, cooking etc.))

All animation appears to fall under these general brackets... except 'Hentai', also known as animated porn. Anime in Japan is usually on quite late at night with most shows starting between 10:00pm to 26:00pm, a fictional time the Japanese people have made up so as to have shows still being on the same night (even though technically the clock has ticked over to the new day). It makes sense that people would be staying up to watch these shows and not waking up to watch them but it's still a little weird, no? I heard that the shows are on so late because they cater more to the 'freaks' (otaku) who watch the shows religiously. I also heard that the most money is made from people buying the merchandise so it makes sense, I guess.

In between these treasure troves of entertainment are the commercials. Often they don't really make sense and it's often quite difficult for me to discern what it is they're trying to sell but some of them are really fun to watch. Take this commercial below, for example.

All of the commercials feature a bean-dog of some kind giving unnecessary trivia to the people about to eat them. The odd thing about these commercials is that they're not actually really advertising anything. Mameshiba, the brand, was created by an advertising agency to simply make up a new brand. Their goal was for the bean-dogs to become famous, and then reap the business opportunities that would come from it. It absolutely worked, too.

Other than cute bean-dogs, Japanese commercials have many more mascots and many more nonsensical campaigns. I remember once watching a movie for 15 minutes with Catherine Zeta Jones only to realise that it was a 15 minute long commercial for shampoo. That's dedication. Throw in some bizarre appearances by people like Brad Pitt (for a phone company), Tommy Lee Jones (for coffee) and Lady Gaga (phones) it can all get pretty surreal.

But that's exactly how I like it.

Next time I'll cast a critical eye onto the goings on in the Japanese music industry. Look out for that one.

Taste

McDonalds in Japan is a strange creature. Familiar yet at the same time alien. One would think upon first thought that maybe McDonalds doesn't really fit into the mold of Japanese cuisine. But like most foreign things in Japan it has been altered to suit the Japanese taste and sensibilities. That is why pizza in Japan has CORN and MAYONNAISE and why taco's are NOT ACTUALLY TACOS AT ALL. McDonalds is no exception to this food altering rule. Yes ladies and gentleman, this blog is about McDonalds in Japan. I'm sorry for you vegans and vegetarians out there. This might make you sick.

I should point out that I don't really go to McDonalds all that frequently. I should also note, however, that the concept of new and interesting burgers does intrigue me. So for the last year and half (or however long I've been here), I've made the effort to try out a new burger every time one comes out. Only problem? It seems every month there is some kind of new burger waiting to be eaten by me and my pal Kevin.

The standard menu has the classics such as the big mac, the cheeseburger and the quarter pounder. These are the favourites that McDonalds has used to conquer the world with. The taste appears to be the same and they're really nothing to call home about. So what will I call home about? What does home NEED to know about? Let's start with the standard menu.

The Prawn Burger

(crustaceany!)

Imagine the Fillet'o'fish but with prawns instead of ... fish. It also has some kind of thousand island dressing / mayonnaise sauce dropped on top. I don't really know what the sauce is but it's like an orange pink colour so there are only so many things it could be right? My brief research into this burger says that McDonalds first launched this to fight drops in sales due to the mad cow disease scare of '02. Even though apparently McDonalds uses Australian beef which was not under threat. Holla!

The Teriyaki Burger

(SHINE!)

Does anyone actually know what flavour teriyaki is supposed to be? I can tell you that the word itself comes from two Japanese words, teri meaning 'to shine' or 'to have lustre' and yaki referring to the cooking method, that is to say, grilling or boiling. I believe the burger patty is made of pork but with such vague definitions of what meat must go in it's really anyone's guess. The teriyaki sauce is pretty good if not a little bit messy but it's a decent size and is generally pretty popular here.

The Pork Burger

(Obviously it never looks like this)

You may have noticed I'm leaving out the Mc- prefix of a lot of these burgers. This is technically the McPork burger but I don't need to insult your intelligence. This is about the size of a cheese burger except the patty is actually slightly larger than the bun resulting in a humorous hang off (not in the picture obviously). It comes with a garlic and black pepper sauce and is available on the 100￥ menu. It's got a tangy taste to it but the pork patty is a little soft. It makes me too conscious that I am eating pork.

The Nippon All Stars

(apparently too amazing to show the entire burger)

Every now and then McDonalds has some kind of promotion to sell new stuff for a limited time only. The first time this came around during my time here in Japan was the Nippon All Stars (Japanese All Stars). Four burgers apparently chosen because of their greatness.

You can pretty much tell what's in each from looking at them but for the few among you that require explanations there is the Egg Double Mac which features meat, eggs and bacon. The Tsukimi burger (moon viewing burger) which takes out a patty of meat from the previous burger and adds in an... interesting 'moon viewing' sauce. The Chicken Tatsuta burger which replaces lettuce with cabbage and was apparently popular due to mixing the taste of soy sauce (on the chicken) and mayonnaise. Finally the Gracoro burger which was essentially a cheesy, creamy mix that is deep fried (a croquet) with croquet sauce to boot.

I can only assume that these burgers have been on the menu at some stage and have now made a comeback with a brand new ad campaign featuring an extremely stereotypical American family freaking out about the wonders of the Japanese burgers. A lot of foreigners weren't happy with this because the family really are stupid, but I found them to be charming.

Here Mr. James is saying 'Tamaran desu', his catch phrase, meaning 'I can't resist it'. It's written in katakana which is the Japanese alphabet usually reserved for sound effects or foreign phrases. That is to say, when things from other languages need to be spoken in Japanese they use this alphabet. Meaning that even written, Mr. James is quite clearly a foreigner. What a champ.

The America Burgers

So after the whirlwind that was the Nippon All Stars, the world of McDonalds calmed down for a little bit and life returned to normal. That is until one day when word of the new series of America burgers were unleashed upon poor unsuspecting Japanese folk. Four burgers apparently featuring flavours from various states of America. New York, California, Hawaii and Texas to be exact.

(AMERICA!)

New York is defined by a quarter pounder with tomato, bacon, fancy cheese and mustard sauce. A lot of mustard sauce. Practically 73% of the burger is mustard sauce. There was a lot of mustard sauce.

California is supposedly quite similar to New York but this time the cheese is a little bit spicy and instead of drenching the SHIT out of the burger in mustard sauce they use quite a powerful tasting red wine based sauce.

The Texas burger takes a step sideways and features bacon, fried bits of onion, a mustard relish and barbeque sauce. In true Texan fashion it also provides a segregative wall/bun to keep the above ingredients away from the white people / burger.

Lastly is the Hawaiian burger. You may all be surprised that it in fact does NOT have pineapple. What the hell is Hawaiian food without pineapple?! It's got bacon and lettuce which is fine. A slice of American cheese (just so the world knows who it belongs to), gravy and an egg. I don't really see how it has anything to do with Hawaii but what do I know? Nothing apparently.

Pretentious Chicken Burgers

(The most eligible bachelors this side of the 1800's)

Just when you thought everything was coming in fours, McDonalds sends a big karate chop to your over inflated ego with two chicken burgers that will leave you spinning... Due to the karate chop. I am talking about the Salt and Lemon Burger, and the Aurora Burger. Lacking no official name as a duo I've given them a title worthy of the general attitude surrounding them.

The S+L burger is some fried chicken with the usual stuff and a salty lemony sauce. Surprised? It's not so much circular as it is oval in design. It's quite interesting though! In fact it seems it was so interesting that it appears to have weasled itself onto the standard menu! It's sister the Aurora burger however was lacking something, i.e. the good sauce, and had a mysterious 'aurora' sauce (also know as BIG MAC SAUCE) instead. Disappointing.

iCon Chicken Burgers

Lately McDonalds has been trying to infiltrate the chicken section of the fast food market. Sure they've had the McChicken for ages but who really gets that? Chicken nuggets are pretty popular though... I digress. McDonalds have upped the ante with four new chicken burgers. It should be noted though that these are the most recent releases and so as such have not all appeared in stores. But McDonalds in Japan like to pre-release some of these burgers in only a few stores around the country so that means I have had two out of the four burgers.

(The width of the picture is approximately how fat they will all make you)

First up is the Cheese Fondue Burger. Get a piece of fried chicken, chuck it in cheese, put it on a bun and then add more cheese on top. The taste is OK but sort of just OK. I don't regret buying it but I probably wouldn't buy it again.

Second is the German Sausage Burger which suggests that chicken just isn't enough and

chucks in some German sausage! Woo!

Third is the Diavolo Burger or with better spelling, the Diablo burger. My friends tried

this recently at one of the pre-release releases and said that it was a good level of spicy.

Finally the Carbonara burger. That yellow stuff seeping out the top looks like corn

but there isn't any kind of immediate corn taste so I'll just go ahead and guess

that it's some kind of carbonara sauce...

Other
So now you've been privy to the kind of burgers McDonalds has been splashing around Japan. I realise that in Australia we've got the healthy option menu and the McCafe's etc. but we're all used to them by now. They're boring. McDonalds Japan are trying to make their foods seem fresh by just constantly changing what's on offer. When giving new burgers isn't enough they've got plenty more up their sleeve.

Green Tea & Oreo McFlurry.

Stuff you Oreos! Japan is going to do to you what it does to every. single. thing... and make you green tea flavoured!

McGriddles

The concept of these makes me sick. Regular breakfast Mcmuffins with... burstlets of maple syrup in the buns. I'm sorry. No. Guess what country THESE initially came from?
Banana milkshake

McHotDog

I chose this picture over I nice clean one because of the writing above the title. "200% Taste". Just for when simple 100% isn't good enough. Not also the MEGA SAUSAGE. Eating this I guess would be akin to getting a punch in the jaw.

Mega Muffin

I won't lie to you. This can absolutely hit the spot after a big night drinking. I haven't ordered one in aaaages though because they make me feel guilty. Look at it. You know why.

McDonalds appears to be able to create burgers of good, and also burgers of evil. It's not such a big issue though because it's not like we have to eat it. I have three McDonalds in my town but none of them open for the breakfast menu and they all close at 8. Which sort of rules out prime McDonalds eating time of 12am - 3am. The drink choices vary a lot more too and have things like ice tea, melon soda and ice coffee etc. 'Meals' are referred to as 'sets' and instead of Large, Medium and Small - they use 'L saizu(size)' 'M saizu' and 'S saizu'.

What's most interesting is that working for McDonalds doesn't appear to be devalued by society! As an ex-McDonalds employee myself I could regale you all with what I went through in my 5 months of McDonaldship but that my friends, is another story.

...... I'm not writing a blog about that.

And before you all start slagging off McDonalds for being the worst fast food venue in the world. Look what the Japanese restaurant, Loteria, has created...

(Ladies and gentleman... the TOWER BURGER)

Monstrous.



kris.

Beautiful Calm Driving

Part 3.

A friend of mine thought that these blogs were going to be about me. I'm sorry but I don't think my life is interesting enough to fuel three blogs in three days as per the rules of my BONANZA. Otherwise it would be a detailing of the stupid things I do each and every day. On that note; Today was school photos and in typical Kris fashion I completely forgot about it even though I was discussing it with a teacher yesterday.

(Typical Kris)

This wouldn't usually be a problem because teachers bring several jackets to school (just in case?!) so I could have worn one of theirs but this same thing happened last year too. Instead of swallowing my pride I decided to skip this meal and got the blessing to dash home and grab my suit and dash back. I had about 50 minutes to do a 60 minute round-trip. I'll spare you the details about what went down but no one died, no police were involved and I got back to school on time. What did occur was some pretty severe, yet reserved, road rage. Why?

You see there are many things about the transportation system in Japan. Trains are perfects, bikes are nice and convenient and walking would be fine if anyone actually did it. I'm talking about driving. As I live about 20km away from my schools it was necessary for me to have a car and frankly I wasn't complaining. Car = freedom, as far as I'm concerned.

(Not THIS much freedom)

In Australia I had a piece of crap car. I really liked it though because it was cheap and it did everything I needed it to do. That is to say, it took me from point A to point B. I never saw the appeal of adding modifications to my car or spending my money on anything other than fuel. It was a pretty good deal and when I worked and was at uni it mostly just had to take me to the train station about 10 minutes away. It was 80km/h most of the way and there was maybe 2 traffic lights. Life was easy. Life was simple.

In Japan my car is a lot smaller which suits the Japanese lifestyle quite well. Fairly fuel efficient and, like my old car in Australia, takes me from point A to point B - sometimes C! Not common though... not common. The only problem I have with driving in Japan is pretty much everything other than the car and the side of the road. Allow me to elaborate by putting things into sub headings and talking about them briefly.

Traffic lights
I've gone from none to handful of traffic lights in Australia to one directly outside of my apartment car park in Japan. What's worse is that it's a traffic light to get onto the main road so you can guarantee it's going to be red about 85% of the time. I live in quite a busy area of my city so to get from one side of the city to the other it can actually be faster to ride a bike which, in short, infuriates me. I hate being hindered waiting for the god damn traffic lights to change when I'm just trying to LEAVE.

(How the average Japanese person apparently views the multitude of traffic lights)

Speed
So after I get out of the city you would think I'm free to journey towards my destination and I usually I am... in a way. Only trouble is I have to stick to 50km/h because that's just how they do things in Japan. Slow. Stupidly so. I'll be driving along with nothing but rice paddies for the last 10 minutes and it's still a mandatory 50km. That is practically walking speed! Generally I take an artistic license to the driving speed and it's with this warping of my reality that I get to work on time every morning. Almost every single morning though I am stuck behind some old fuddy duddy sticking to his antiquated and dusty guns and, despite a long trail of cars behind him, adamantly sticks to 50.

(A menace to us all)

People
My city doesn't have a train station so most people drive. It would be unfair to say everyone is a terrible driver as that falls onto the shoulders of a few select individuals. Not using their indicator, suddenly stopping, changing lanes without looking, pulling out at completely inappropriate times, running lights, not watching for pedestrians, and so on. You think of the most annoying driver/traffic related thing you can and you can be darn sure it happens here every single day.

I was involved in an accident last year it's true. I'll tell you what happened though before you start stoning me for being a hypocrite. I was on my way to work and a girl on a bike rode in front of me. She was fine, a little bit of bruising on her leg, but she was up and at it on the scene. I was going 10km under the speed limit and she had a stop sign she didn't stop at. It could have been a lot worse but as it was all that was really damaged was her bike. Which I had to pay for. She can't blame her stupidity on the accident because clearly that was a lost cause to begin with. I'm not going to get on my milk crate and say it was her fault... But yeah, it pretty much was.

(My shitty MS. Paint effort)

Combine all of my irritated grumblings above the with the Japanese address system or lack there of and you've got one frustrated Kris on your hands! Streets don't have names so addresses are done in an area-type format with numbers being splashed about along with post codes. Mail gets where it needs to because the posties know the situation but as there are no numbers anywhere or any indication that I am anywhere near where I want to be - it can get a little confusing.

Gas stations have people that fill up your car for you though! That's pretty sweet.


Thus concludes my 3 blogs in 3 days BONANZA. This was hard work. I thought of some more ideas but I'll save them for when I have free time. By that I mean free time when I have absolutely nothing better to do. I don't imagine it will be too long.

I didn't bother proof reading this.

kris.

Basic Space

Part 2.

I've been attending a gym for the last month and half. I don't want you all expecting an amazingly bodied Kris upon my return (well, not any more than usual HAHAHAHAHA...) but as the weather gets colder and as I want to feel less guilty about stuffing my facial region with various food and/or food alternatives - then it makes sense.

There are two gyms in my area. One is just up the road and the other is about a 10 minute drive away. Seemingly against logic I went with the latter of the two for these reasons; price, size and people. Whatever. Not important. Decision made.

(Positive attitude y'all!)

Signing up to the gym is not such a difficult process if one has a basic grasp of Japanese. This is mainly due to the fact that if one can't speak Japanese well enough then one is not allowed to join. It's actually in the contract. Discriminatory but reasonable clauses aside, the process was quite smooth if not a little drawn out. The choices of plan include a day plan (from 11:30am - 2:30pm), a night plan (8:30pm - 10:30pm), a weekend plan or the MASTER PLAN (anytime). I went with the MASTER PLAN as ideally I'd like to be able to go straight after school but if I'm forced to hang around home until 8:30 I will probably crash/burn/die and not be bothered to go etc. It is a liiiiiittle bit pricey but so far I've been going quite frequently so I think it's pretty worth it.

Joining a gym in Japan doesn't lock you into a death grip of 6 year plans with painful canceling fee's that will probably render you homeless and poor. Which is nice. The whole feeling is nice! I don't feel intimated to walk inside by people twice my size nor do I feel self conscious. In fact as far as the people who go are concerned I'm quite happily in the middle range. The middle range involves no pressure, expectations or obligation. Exactly my style. Like this man!

(Go possibly Russian man! Exceed no expectations!)

So usually I enter the gym from the strange side parking and take off my outside shoes. Oh yes, don't think that gyms are excluded from the inside and outside shoe policy. I put my shit into the lockers and after weighing myself I start stretching. About 5 minutes later I begin running or some kind of cycling, then machines and then cool down. Sometimes I do a class (there's a psuedo-kick boxing class on Mondays) but generally it's the above schedule followed by the shower/bath in Japanese style... that is to say, naked.

One of my favourite machines is the treadmill. Instead of being totally boron and just sticking to calories and crap, it has a picture to show what I have burnt off so far. It starts with a candy and progresses upwards. The first few are perhaps encouragingly pessimistic and feature things such as a banana or some tuna sushi or something like that. I, personally, would prefer the machine to tell me how many beer related calories I have blasted off my petite frame but the machine wasn't made in Australia, now was it. Beer however does pop up in the pictures and is followed by things like hamburgers, baked cheesecake, short cake and ramen etc. It's a little gratifying but more often than not, it's depressing.

(This is all you've burned off. You suck. LOLOLOL)

If I don't want my self esteem challenged by watching such pitiful amounts of calorie burning action then I can watch the installed TVs on each machine. TVs for each machine is not a new phenomenon but as I can't watch TV at home (due to mine being broken due possibly to fitness DVDs) then it is a chance for me to catch up on inane variety shows, cultural/nature shows and other gems such as 'Telepathy Girl Ran' or Sumo wrestling. This allows me to gain a 100% accurate view of Japanese life. This is just interesting enough to fill in the vacuous black hole in my head space of TV-related information and comedy quotes.

(quality)

The gym has been a lot of fun to go to so far. I can't tell you if there's been a noticeable change in how I feel but any sort of change for the better is a good thing I would think. Here's hoping anyway.

Learnt My Lesson Well

Part 1.

Do you remember the textbooks you used in high school? I remember the name of the French book we used ('Tapis Volant' for those interested) and if I saw the other textbooks I might recognise them but despite the big role they play in our education they're pretty much forgettable... except the French book apparently.

(Remember this? NO! Because this is the newer version... I can't find a picture of the older one)

I mention this as now that I'm in my second year of education I have already become bored of the textbook. This does not bode well for my future as an educator, but perhaps with a little explanation you will understand the problem. As I stated earlier, I don't really remember much from the text books and I certainly don't have pictures of them here to reminisce. So to make things a little more interesting I'm going to show you pictures of the English textbook here.

Before we go any further let me introduce you to the characters of the books. The same students progress through all three books of junior high school which is convenient. Firstly, meet Kumi and Ken, the archetypal bilingual Japanese female and male of the group.

(possibly the same person)

Next, Emma. Emma hails from Australia as is apparently indicated by her red hair and blue eyes. She also appears to have a full on American accent in the CD's accompanying the text books. She likes to play netball and eat lunch outside with her friends.

(Julia Gillard?)

This is Ming. He is from China. In one lesson everyone goes to his house and we see a kite in the shape of a bat and we learn about his father's old cup. Not to be confused with Ming's cup... which is new.

(I BET he's good at math, and bad at driving)

Paul's blonde locks and freckled face sure does lend him well to his home country of, you guessed it, The USA. He plays football every weekend. His Father at one stage offers Kumi a drink and shows her some African music. What a riot.

(omg it's Matt Damon)

Finally we have Ratna from India who also falls victim to stereotypes. We meet her sari loving sister and learn that Ratna in fact speaks THREE languages. English, Hindi and Marathi. What's Marathi you ask? She never really explains but she does like talking to her friends in it.

(Ratna probably ate the cat behind her, hahaha... racist)

The book is interspersed with various characters that provide new topics of conversation. Such as Ms. Kileo from Africa who is studying biotechnology to make better crops for her home country. She's also interested in Tinga Tinga. A style of African art.

Then there's Mary from Wales who visits the lake district with her family and craps on about Peter Rabbit.

Or some random talking about Ainu culture (Ainu = Native people of Japan).

Or some other douchebag teachers that suck.

These are the characters that guide us through the sub-par Japanese English education. Let's delve head first and get an idea of each of the year levels and the veritable learning landscapes they traverse. Let's start with the basics and visit first year.

First year

We begin with various greetings and phrases including the ubiquitous

A: How are you

B: I'm fine thank you, and you?

A: I'm fine, too. Thank you.

And then progress onto the alphabet. No learning mnemonics. Just practice. This is fine because in Japanese they practice their multiple alphabets by sheer repetition so don't worry about them - They manage. Then we move onto things such as plurals (which don't really exist in Japanese), to he vs. she, various tenses, vocabulary and question sentences. All pretty standard, no? Here's an excerpt.

(Kumi making Paul feel stupid. Bitch)

Second year

After a year of English education the kids pretty much have the alphabet down and should theoretically be able to hold a general conversation. Even if said conversation consists of things such as 'do you like potato?', 'do you like soccer?', 'Do you like apple?' or 'I'm fine thank you, and you?'. Of course, being Japanese they refuse to raise their hand in class or think freely so the structure remains pretty much the same into the second year. Teach the granmmar, read the text, do a brief test and move on. Classic.

This book starts to venture out among the world with a chapter about India, a chapter about the native Japanese people and even a chapter about heat islands! The textbook begins with Emma talking about Australia and how the seasons are different blah blah blah. I will give the book kudos for talking about spring/autumn when it is actually spring/autumn according to the school year but I'm not such a fan of the book suggesting that ALL Australians say 'ta' instead of 'thank you'. No Emma, no.

(Not actually the 'ta' page but you get the idea)

This book spends a loooot of time on the comparative form. Today is hotter than yesterday, or Kris is the most awesome etc. That is until we reach chapter 8, entitled - Landmines and Children. Which is were I should bring up the morbidity of this series of textbooks. Here's a line from the book.

" Cambodia children like to play in forests and fields, just like you and me. But some of them are killed and others are injured. Landmines do this. "

Accompanied by this photo.

(You'd think he'd learn his lesson from the LAST time he walked to school)

Nice.

Third year

The final book of the series and the last book these kids see before they venture off into the world of secondary education or farming. Their last chance to gain a positive view on English so as to want to learn it in the future. We teach them about Sasaki Sadako and how the atomic bomb eventually killed her; About Martin Luther King Jr. and racism in America (including his death); Famine and war in Sudan including this heart warming Pulitzer Prize winning photo; and also about Human Rights in Kosovo.

(Sadako folding a banana)

Did YOU know that the Atomic bomb over Hiroshima killed 130,000 people? I sure didn't! The grammar point for this part was '~~ makes me ~~' , in other words 'The atomic bomb makes me sad'. Subtle. But having said all of that I should point out the book also covers things like hand signing, guide dogs, future careers, World Heritage Sites and such. It all just seems a bit serious...

By the end of the third year some students have a general grasp on English and know lots of useful words, and some not so useful words... such as boycott, highland and refugee. It's a start.

Then they grow to monstrous proportions and crush the world with their gigantic feet)

I like teaching English. I like the teachers I work with, the teachers I don't work with and I love my students. The text book isn't amazing but if it's what I have to use to do what I do then it's worth it. Many of my friends use different text books and so I can really only speculate on them. I don't care. That's all for tonight.


Tomorrow's topic?

I haven't actually written it yet.