I am a modern man. As a bearded homosexual that lacks passions and has the emotions of a 45 year old woman - I feel that I am more than capable of living in this modern world of ours. I'm working as a teacher, I have friends, good family, high spirits and all that shit. So why is it then that at the tender age of 25 I have become so reflective of my life?
To begin, let me give you some context. As a teacher it is largely my role to stand in front of a class and shout at students to shut the fuck up and sit down and do some god damn work. It can be pretty trying but undoubtedly my entire year of education has trained me in the art of dishing out detentions, telling kids off in many different and unique ways, and of course the sacred art of the death stare. How more people aren't joining this profession is beyond me. I feel like I may have liked it at some stage but a part of me may have manufactured that memory to get me through the days.
(or through the hour)
I've never had a relationship. I honestly don't know if it's something I'd be interested in or if I'm 100% awesome by myself and don't need anyone else. I sleep around, sure. I'm a functional adult male. However there have certainly been people in the past that I have wanted to continue something with... but it has just never worked out. Cry for me, Argentina.
Finally I should mention that I'm living in London and not my native Australia. This means there is a certain extent of isolation and unfamiliarity with my surroundings. That is to say, when feeling down I don't necessarily have the same ability to go to a comfort zone as I'm intrinsically out of it. I'm enjoying London though so I can't blame that. However, I'm sure it isn't helping the situation!
So I supply you, newly loyal readers, on the tips and tricks to helping you overcome your self-entitled, wanky, excuse to be miserable - quarter life crisis. You may relate to some and not so much to others but I'm sure you'll glean something from this at the very least.
Do: Decide you need a new career... and of course tell everyone including your co-workers this.
Do not: Have any idea what you want to do or how you'll go about achieving this change.
Teaching is pretty much the best job ever because of reasons. I love marking over a hundred tests every few weeks. I super love having to break up fights in the classroom and of course I super mega love that empty feeling at the end of the day when one feels completely defeated. That was, granted, a lot of sarcasm in one dose but you get the idea. So what now? Perhaps you should try to network your way into a job instead of going back to uni and studying like a savage. Network with your vast amount of ... or at least your small pocket of friends. Success is just around the corner.
(patronising new mug purchased? check)
Do: Go out drinking on strange nights and stay up way too late.
Do not: Remain well rested and energised for your bright future.
Getting into work at 7:00am with a raging hangover is just the ticket for those riding out a quarter life crisis. Of course you will have selected the worst possible day to do this and you'll accept the consequences with as much responsibility as you can muster given the situation. The students you encounter will all become magnified and as your hangover starts to fade, time will slow down. One day will be split into pre- and post-hangover and your whole sense of time will be wiped out the window. Don't fight it, just hope others don't question you on the day's events.
Do: Tell everyone everything you're thinking and feeling.
Do not: Express yourself through productive mediums at healthy intervals.
Who cares if the person has just coincidentally sat down opposite you at Starbucks. Bleed your heart out to them. Just dump all of your emotions on any, and all parties within your proximity. You have become a martyr to your own cause now and people need to recognise! You are surely the only person to be going through these feelings. Feel free to elaborate on that guy who has you down and your entire history together up until this point. Don't forget to mention how you hate your job and how expensive London is. Finally point out how exhausted you have made yourself but how it's not you it's your quarter life crisis. People love hearing about it.
(this un-funny comic brought to you by the INTERNET)
Do: Wear yourself out to complete exhaustion
Do not: maintain a healthy lifestyle whatsoever.
This requires you to stay up late, wake up early, not eat much, exercise, and then plan shitty classes in any gaps between. Frankly if you have any energy at all then you're not quarter life crisis-ing hard enough. You should have moments when you stare unblinkingly out the window for inappropriately long amounts of time and you should have difficulty forming coherent thoughts - such as what you did the day before. When you go to the gym don't expect a whole lot to happen as you lie on the stretching area's mat and stare at the ceiling mouthing words to your favourite songs on your headphones.
Do: Go out drinking with that guy you liked even after he says he doesn't want a relationship.
Do not: Keep your distance.
Because you're totally over him right? Because you think it'll be fun to just be friends right? Now watch as you start becoming insecure about every facet of your life and then get secretly miffed when he's talking to someone else outside. This is also an opportunity to reflect about your financial situation and how you have very little to your name. Ace. While out drinking you should probably also participate in karaoke or something else humiliating in front of a crowd just to really get into the swing of your mid 20s.
(Like this fucking PLAYER!)
By the end of this you will be so out of sorts that all you can do is write an internet blog about it laughing at yourself. Ha.
I should note that I am ok. In actuality your outpourings of support have been absolutely the nicest things. I'm a rational enough guy to see what I need to do to get myself tip-top so I'll just plough my way there. Expect to hear about it!
