Germany - Berlin

Berlin Day 1:
Arrived to the Berlin and then to the Hostel. The surly man at train station had not dampened my mood for the city but I was not particularly looking forward to the 16 bed dorm that awaited me. I left things last minute again - what?! However the hostel was not bad at all! Cool atmosphere yeah. Not so cool were the gaggle of 18 year old Irish girls desperate to go out. A desperation so fierce it was ... strange. I fell asleep at 2:30am to a serious conversation about which Spice Girl each of the girls would be and a declaration that tonight was to be a 'photo' night - the girls proceeded to take sporty action shots. Individually they were nice but they had the need for some dancefloor action so off they went.

(Greeted by THIS GUY!)

(Berlin: Hot and full of WASPS)

Berlin day 2:
I decided to start off my Berlin experience by hitting up the GERMAN HISTORY MUSEUM. I breezed through the uninteresting pre-war era section (because if Australian history is a hazy mess then why spend too much time on another country's?) but found quite an interest in the WW2/holocaust/Berlin wall section. Afterwards I took a quick stroll before meeting Farsan (friend I met in Barcelona). We decided to eat burgers for lunch then spend the afternoon drinking by canals to the south.  Only one person waved at us on a passing boat.

(Persuasive)

(Pretty building there B-town)

(Canalriffic)

Berlin day 3:
Day of main touristy shit. The Brandenburg Gate is not as interesting as thought (or perhaps as exactly as interesting as thought) so instead I opted to nap in the nearby park. Post-nap I make an effort to walk around and discover the currywurst museum. It was inexplicably expensive and no doubt inexplicably uninteresting so it was skipped. I do decide though to have some currywurst for cultural purposes.
Haul ass over to Spreepark in the west to visit an abandoned amusement park. After discovering the entrance was locked, I then discovered two fun Germans with a gleam in their eyes, and together we slip through a hole in the fence. Shortly after however we are discovered by security guard and forced to leave. Trespassing is thrilling!
Finally meet up with a 'friend' who lives nearby and tag along for a car ride around town, a few beers and finally a nice dinner with his family. The strangeness of the situation is barely noticeable - the diner was delicious!

(Brandenburg gate as a knuckleduster)

(It's just cut up sausage y'all)

(Ferris Bueller)

Berlin Day 4:
Found a strange ex-hospital that now hosts artist workshops and doesn't appear to feel the need to lock any doors. Explored for a bit and learned about the urban sprawl of Berlin (so much FREE SPACE) then continue to wander around town in soft alcoholic daze until persuaded by hostel folk to join an 'alternative walking tour' which ends up being really cool. We visit some unique locales along the way until the Berlin wall is reached and it's cool. Really cool. Artists have really done some beautiful works on something that represented so much hate. Although the East side is much cooler than the west side. Met some French Canadians for the first time and am finally forced to acknowledge that there is a vast portion of Canada where people learn French as their first language.

(Your office isn't at the ass end of a Lionel Richie Lion?)

(Deep. Especially those ones on the wall there)

(YAAM - Young African Art Market. The Caribbean in Berlin)

(Please dont feel the need to comment on the shorts. They're amazing obvs.)

Berlin day 5:
Head to flea market somewhere in the city, drink in the bleeding heat until eventually migrating to a bier festival. It never really occurred to me to go to an international bier festival when I had, after all, just come to GERMANY of all places. However the international part of the title may as well have not been there - watched a German man dance to German songs with a German beer and a German sausage. Am further convinced to head to the Berghain - one of the worlds 'best night clubs'. Now listen. The Berghain is guarded at the door by a security guard called Sven and Sven is the last word on who gets in and who doesn't. There is no strict rule that indicates whether he will say yes or no - no particular clothing style that is favoured - no tricks or tips to help - you just have to turn up and see what he says. Wouldn't ordinarily be a problem except the nightclub is pretty far out of the way and people can be waiting for up to 3 hours. I just feel like Berlin is a city which is full of immigrants, squatters, artists, poor people and the like but is still happy to accept them all with open arms. Then there's the Berghain which openly and proudly admits to rejecting people for absolutely no reason. Case in point, many people get rejected because they're not German!

When we arrive there is no queue and even though we all approached individually or in pairs we are ALL (9 of us. foreign.) rejected anyway. The expedited rejection for me though is met with mild satisfaction. I was able to cross off the tourist activity of being rejected from the Berghain without any wait time involved!

(Any opportunity)

(Who wouldn't let these guys in?)

Berlin day 6: 
I realised I missed the holocaust memorial which is literally right next to the Brandenburg gate (curse you nap! Curse you inviting grass!) so instead of walking I decided to catch a local bus to the site. On the way I listened to music on my ipod for the first time in Berlin and it was marvellous. I found fascination in the site and due to lack of company to take photos of me I decide to take a grim selfie instead. The walk home utilised a different route and the breadth of Berlin was noted. Spacious. In the evening I hang out with my hostel friends that I have slowly developed since the Irish girls thankfully disappeared.

(The selfie is on Facebook - this isn'ttttt)

(Let's be friends)

Berlin day 7: 
Catch a bus down to Leipzig for 5 euro (!!!) to meet my friend Lauren who is working/studying there. There's still a lot to see in Berlin but I think this was a pretty good start! Not too shabs. I'm sure I've forgotten shit. Maybe I'll add it in later as I remember.

Germany - Cologne / Hamburg / Schwerin

Germany and France are the last two major European countries I've been meaning to visit. By the time I leave Europe I want to say I have a general grasp of what's out there. Then, when I return, I'll re-visit places I liked, see places I missed, explore more of what I liked and so on. The UK have their summer around August so at the first opportunity I jumped onto a plane to Cologne simply because it was cheap! Seemed a good enough place to start too, right?

When you walk out of Cologne station you are immediately forced to behold the Dom - a beautiful cathedral - in all of it's splendour.

(BEHOLD)

Then after finding your hostel you are again immediately forced to wonder what else there is to do in this city? I just don't really care much for museums I must say people. Sure some are good - mostly the sciencey ones - but it needs to actually be good. I'm not going to go to the Roman museum in Cologne simply because it exists ja feel?

So here's where it gets interesting. You see some of you may be wondering how I meet so many people on my journeys and why a lot of them always seem to be men.

Well.

Yes, some of them are randos from the hostel. However, a lot of them are guys I've met from various gay dating apps on the iphone. I'm sure you've all heard about them - I won't go into too much detail - but yes I have and still do use them albeit not usually for their intended purpose (sex). Stuck in a city and don't know which restaurant is good? Ask the gays! Not sure if this cathedral is worth the 5 euros to enter? Ask the gays! Need someone to have a beer with at a bar? Ask a gay! So useful is this resource that I have had some absolutely incredible adventures with some amazing people.

(House party in The Netherlands)

(Horses in Sweden)

(Flamenco dancing in Spain)

After exhausting the Dom and the streets of Cologne I decided to contact a gay to meet up for a drink and had a great night! I've been told by many a German that Cologne's sights are not really worth shaking a stick at (my words) but that the nightlife was definitely worth its weight in gold (again, my words). I didn't really get to see that much of the nightlife but I did have an amazing burrito and few drinks with a young law lecturer. Young for a law lecturer. I think he was 28?

On the first day I was awake at 2:30am in London to get the bus to get the train to get the plane to Cologne and after arriving was told I couldn't check in until many hours later. All I wanted to do was lie down somewhere and have a nap or read a book blah blah. I could find nothing! Later it turns out that all the parks sit in a circle SURROUNDING the city. So I spent a while just strolling through the long string of parks including a fun sculpture park.

Travelling alone means it is often hard to take photos of myself and have to resort to stupid shots so that I have something interesting to show people - Cologne was no exception!

(Aww yisssss)

However Cologne did provide me with a German sim card and a book to read. I say 'provide' here to mean I did it myself but Cologne ... allowed me? There was a cool American guy in the hostel who I had a fair few beers with but that was really about it. Just this morning in fact I was having a bit of an existential crisis about the nature of forming relationships with people. That is to say - if I know it won't go anywhere should I bother? Or if I bothered would it go somewhere? And if I did bother and it went nowhere then I'm just sort of left by myself again but with a sense of loneliness. Heavy stuff you guys. Still haven't found an answer. I gloss over the deeper issues of course. This was legit stuff peeps.

After Cologne I hauled ass up to Hamburg - German's second largest city. As some of you may know, my approach to travel (and indeed life) is haphazard and unorganised. Such was the case as I walked out of Hamburg central station with no place to stay. I knew all the hostels were inexplicably full and my attempt to find an AirBnB place failed (Exact quote from one - "Hey Kris, a friend of mine is staying at my place for the weekend, so the room is taken Saturday night - i forgot to block that date in the calender on this site ... (Sorry!)" and just no response from the other). In any case, I simply walked into the enormous hostel by the station and luckily slid into a cancelled room in a 4-bed dorm. At this point I want to say that Germany is stiflingly hot at the moment and the thought of sitting in the stuffy hostel room for longer than necessary was unappealing so instead I decided to meet up with Max for a walk.

This lead to a bizarre music festival in the middle of nowhere with his cool friends listening to what I would have described as 'german electro' until the DJ's accent suggested somewhere else. From here we explored the bar scene of Hamburg and I had my first Hamburger in Hamburg. I'm sure a lot of you have seen this picture already. It's FUNNY, OK?!

Truth be told the hamburger itself was terrible. It was sourced from a dingy burger place and was more expensive than a mcdonalds cheeseburger and one of them had mayonnaise for some reason. Time and a place mayonnaise - time and a place. Not on my burger at 4am plz.

The rest of my time in Hamburg was spent riding bikes, strolling by the Alster river, lying in parks, eating and napping at pretty much any opportunity. I've found that having this beard means my neck gets super sweaty after I sleep. It's kind of gross especially since the humid heat is already making me develop a fine layer of sweat daily anyway. I must persevere though - chicks love this piece of man-face-hair. I did do some touristy things though, took pictures, climbed up a tower and all that. Managed to do most of the touristy things within a few hours actually. Swish.

(Hamburg on high)

 (Awesome empty church)

 (Stage at music festival)

 (Alster lake (maybe) through the lens of my sunglasses)

Finally on the last day I met up with a pal, Henrik. He thought it would be a good idea to go to the gym (????) so along we went and it was a nice venture actually! He had some interesting stories to pepper in along the way about his home and some favourite places that he likes to visit (including a beautiful decking area right on the water for some goat cheese) and we finally spent some time overlooking the river watching the boats drift by and the sun slowly descend. Henrik is really into his supplements so prior to the workout we had a protein shake, had some amino acids after the workout then another protein shake. Turns out the workout didn't hurt as much the next day as I thought - I suppose there's some credit to the theory!

That night I caught a bus to the nearby city Schwerin at the advice of a friend Laura. Many of the Hamburgers couldn't really understand why I wanted to go but truthfully it was on the way to Berlin, I didn't have accommodation anywhere else and I liked the idea of exploring a smaller city - after a while all the big cities start looking the same. I arrived around 9pm when it was still light and had an easy stroll around a big lake to get to the hostel. It was one of those hostels where the owners are never around and you have to call them to get keys etc. I wasn't too fussed as they picked up and the key was easy to get. I was in a 9 bed room dorm which isn't normally a problem but tell you WHAT it was just comically irritating how noisy and unaware of others these guests were. I hope I snored to teach everyone a lesson. ha.

(Fucking POSTCARD WORTHY)

Fortunately, Schwerin isn't exactly an intense town to be in so not having much sleep was ok. I had a nice stroll in the morning around town until eventually I had a sit down with some pastries, tea and a book. Later I went to the castle to have a look around. It's pretty much the main draw of the town and even though I didn't find the inside really very interesting I really enjoyed wandering around the grounds afterwards. As the weather was pretty shitty it wasn't exactly the best situation to take photos (did anyway obvs) but I did manage to catch a quick nap on some grass under a tree.

(Thumbs up to naps)

As I finish writing this (Although not when I'm posting as there's no internet) I'm on the train to Berlin. I used a website called blablacar.com which I thought was to organise car pools with people between cities. Turns out that someone was just using the website to grab some people so we could all catch the train on a group ticket. I'm not exactly complaining! It's a 2 hour and 20 minute journey so eventually I got out my craptop to finish this and they did their own thing. I'd still happily use the website again though! I'm in Berlin for five nights but looking to get a trip to Leipzig then Dresden... We'll see what happens!

The Netherlands

Not Holland you guys. That's only a PART of The Netherlands. See? So educational already.

This trip was another case of "cheap flights during school holidays" and I was pretty thrilled with the result. My knowledge (and it seems everyone else's knowledge) of NL revolves around Amsterdam and the titillating goings on around there. Two independent people told me about the time they got 'so high' that they went to an all-you-can-eat ribs restaurant - whereupon after what only FELT like a few rounds they were denied any more ribs. TWO different people said this!

(Canal has the word 'anal' in it)

I'm afraid to say that I did NOT get 'so high' that I engaged in a buffet style activity. I did smoke one joint there though - sorry mum. The idea was to enjoy NL with actual Dutch people and as it turns out - Dutch people don't get ridiculously high every day! I planned to stay with my friend Martijn whom I met in Portugal when I first arrived in Europe. He lives in Utrecht which is a cool city about 30/40 minutes from Amsterdam by train. By itself though it's got canals, shops, a tall tower, and all that stuff. It seemed like a smaller Amsterdam with less tourists (and without a red light district). Despite this, our first activity it seemed was to head to a theme park down south.

(Utrecht canals have little sidewalk areas to drink alcohol on! I assume that's their purpose...)

(Take THAT no-photo symbol! Shoving it to the MAN)

Efteling is a theme park that isn't Disney and is essentially inside a big beautiful forest. There are no obvious mascots so the park instead relies on a general fantasy theme. It really is a well made park although it is definitely geared towards children; perhaps this is why Martijn and I had so much fun. We were going on all the cooool rides, the pretty rides, the strange rides then we'd eat something etc. etc. All in all it was a nice day. In the evening we drove down to Belgium/Antwerp and had some stoemp and later some FRIES! These fries would mark the first of many consumed during my week long trip. I ate a lot of fries you guys. An uncomfortably large amount.

(This is a 'small')

Like most holidays, I find I appreciate just hanging out the most. I like strolling around cities/towns, drinking, eating locally stuff and having a nice chat. There's a certain, embarrassing-to-admit joy in blending in with the locals - a feat rarely achieved with a massive fuckoff backpack. There was a food festival happening in Amsterdam at the time which was rad to visit. The kind of place where you can get unusual foods for high prices. The weather was quite up and down but I was lucky to have a few good days weather-wise to spend by the canals and at the park. I could do it day after day. In fact I kind of did.

The Red Light District was really interesting! (GOOD SENTENCE KRIS). Yes, there are prostitutes but they're literally right there on main streets/canals. They stand behind windows and beckon you in - some admittedly better looking than ... others. A particular example that comes to mind was a mannish looking woman with enormous boobs, leathery brown skin, bleached hair and the make up of ... well the make-up of a prostitute. I wish I could have taken a photo but they're notoriously sensitive to that. Can't blame them. Otherwise it was just a load of bucks/hens nights, the smell of weed, and sex shops. You name it, and they'll have it and a means to get it inside you.

(or in this!)

I took a trip up to The Hague with my friend Leo who lives/studies there, and checked out the beach. I wouldn't say The Netherlands are not known for their beaches (are they?) but it was a nice trip all the same. We also went to a house party in Delft which was, shall we say, unexpected? I'm not used to house parties having an organised line up of bands, fire twirlers, a male choir, a token economy and a teepee amongst other things but there you go! House parties of the future. It was nice to get out of Utrecht and Amsterdam to see other parts of the country - made the trip feel a lot more rounded I think. It's worth noting though that the beach has approximately zero shade and a crapload of sand. Guess who got massively sunburneddd?

(This guyyyy)

(From thissss)

Which has lead to an unfortunate farmer's tan. Brown face/arms - white everything else.

I realised my friend Sasha from High School was in the area (i.e. in the country) so we arranged to meet up in Utrecht. It had probably been about 9 years since I had seen her last but it was really relaxed. We have both since become teachers and travelled around - so we had quite a lot to talk about. Sasha is really passionate about education and I'm just a bit more apathetic about the whole thing - that's what London students do to you my friends. The day was spent strolling around, drinking beer, and then eventually having fries and wine by the canal. It was a really great day. I look forward to the next time.

(Kris: 26 going on 35 with a beard of the homeless variety. Sasha: Youthful pixie)

Now, Amsterdam obviously has a lot to do and I don't think I really did all there is to be honest. For example, I didn't go to the sex museum and I didn't even ride a bike! It got to the point where I had been walking around the city all day for a few days and I didn't really see what the bike would add to the experience. I did, however, insist on a canal cruise. I cringe mentioning it and it wasn't that great but it was a nice, peaceful hour and I'm still glad I took the opportunity. Plus I had some nice company! I dragged Dutch Leo on the trip as he had never done it before - what a great guy, hey?

(Leo looking unamused)

The whole time in the Netherlands I felt really welcome. I didn't get to wear clogs or get super high but I did manage to meet some really great people and experience some really good moments. I feel like I got quite a good picture of Dutch life and it seems, even from my glimpse, like a pretty nice way to live!  I'd like to return to The Netherlands one day but in the upcoming summer holidays I'm thinking France and Germany! 

(Facebook photos)

Ireland

Since being in London I've felt a bit trapped. Living in London is expensive so any money I earn seems to just disappear and frankly, when working Monday - Friday, I just want the weekends to hang out. I certainly do not want to be rushing to an airport and sorting out accommodation blah blah blah. In any case, Easter holidays have come around and I've opted to visit Ireland. It was never really high on my to-go list but flights were cheap so ...

Some of you may remember how I helped that man fix his boat when I was in Italy? Yeah that was through a website wherein you stay with people who provide you a room and food and in return you help them out in some way. It could be working at the farm, fixing boats, gardening etc. In Ireland I was helping out the Wall family on their dairy farm down in the very rural town of Mullinavat. 3 hour bus trip from Dublin airport. Rad.

(Scene from the kitchen. Reasonably sunny innit?!)

Joseph is the son (and the guy who put the farm on the website) and he lives with his Mother and Father - Joan and Pat. In typical Irish fashion they've got a massive family but most of the other siblings have moved out or away (one is in Melbourne coincidentally enough). Joan has recently had some hip troubles so for a lot of the time I was kind of her personal assistant. Other times I would help milk the cows, took a trip to the Cow Mart to sell some cows with Pat, general gardening and otherwise helping out around the house. It was a nice experience but I must say that rural Ireland has some odd aspects worth noting ...

(Beer drinking isn't odd ... not doing it more often is a bit weird though)

For example, the constant talk about people dying. Because families tend to be quite large it makes sense that family networks are even larger so when someone dies it spreads throughout the town like wildfire. When driving around Joan would point out the houses with people who had died from things like cancer / stroke / heart attacks etc. It felt a bit grim to be honest. The general atmosphere was a bit downcast despite the beautiful weather.

(Joan kept saying she hoped the dog wasn't 'taken'. I assumed by Jesus or whatever but no! People come and steal puppies to sell them! This is their third 'Toby')

I went to mass one day with Joan just to see what it was like. At school we had to go to church so I know the general idea but back then it was still pretty boring even with the Rev trying to jazz it up a little. Unfortunately it seems some things never change. I had to enter through the 'men's' entrance and listen to a lot of talking. Joan was doing a reading so I wanted to see her and, yeah, that was nice. However, not being raised in a religious household it all seemed a but samey and a bit eye-rolly at times but it was pretty short and culminated with an upbeat choir so I shouldn't complain. I quietly opted out of the Eucharist but donated a single euro to the cause.

(It's a shaky picture as I had to be discrete. Still got looks)

Joan was not a great cook... The first night there I had a piece of chicken that was so dry it was solid served with vegetables that had been boiled so much they no longer held any nutrients. For lunch we had salmon (why?) served with half a steamed cabbage. A few times a kind of soup/sauce was made from a powder packet labelled 'farmers vegetables' but clearly contained nothing of the sort and was generally poured over whatever was on the plate - even if there was nothing on the plate. Potatoes were served unpeeled on a separate dish and looked like rocks. Potato rocks waiting to be peeled and consumed for their starchy contents.  At least potatoes are cultural, right?

Cows are a bit crap you guys. They really don't like being around humans, they're pretty stupid and my god they just LEAK faeces and urine. Just pours right out of them! It's almost unbelievable until you're standing behind them attaching the milking machine. The cows are milked twice a day and have to be herded into the right paddock for grazing. Besides that they don't really do much except occasionally moo. Keep it up cows!

(Herding cows in style)

I arrived in Dublin roughly midday and, after a couch surfer cancelled ON THE TRAIN THERE, I had to check into a youth hostel. I haven't been in a youth hostel for a while and I was a bit reluctant to get back into that mindset of pub crawls and going to 'recommended' restaurants etc. but it wasn't too bad really. I did end up going on one of the pub crawls which turned out to be pretty cool but otherwise I was out of the hostel for most of the time. I managed to squeeze in the leprechaun museum, The Guinness storehouse, the big sights of Dubbers (Trinity College, Christchurch cathedral, The Castle of Dublin) and a fair few beers between.

(I'm a fucking leprechaun)

When I started drinking beer back in the day it didn't really taste that good I'll be honest. However, it was cheap and everyone else was drinking it so I just kept it up and now I'm a pretty big fan! Guinness was always that dark liquid that I could never conquer though. It just looked dense ...

(There she is)

Coming to Ireland though it was a must and surprisingly it's not nearly as bad as I either remembered or thought I remembered. It's pretty good! At the storehouse they had fudge made with Guinness, you see how the beer us made, advertisements blah blah - the whole Guinness situation - then finally you can go up into a bar that over looks Dublin. Unfortunately Dublin isn't exactly a 'tall' city (by any means) but view from on high are always nice. Especially with a beer in hand (and in beard).

(Yes, admittedly a posed photo - note flat Dublin. Flatlin)

On the second day I took a bus trip over to the west of Ireland where things are supposedly 'more Irish'. I want to say The Corrs are from here but some quick research tells me they are from a place quite close to the east coast - complete other side of the island. I was mega hung over from the pub crawl the night before so the three hour bus ride was a strange haze of semi consciousness, scenery, and snacks. Once there, there was a brief tour from a painfully awkward tour guide and then it was  back on the bus to check out some LANDSCAPES.

I'll admit at this point I was still not up to scratch so missed the first hour or so of the tour (sleeping) but caught on later. The main destination was the Cliffs of Moher which turned out to be legitimately beautiful. I got some pretty nifty photos including some with me in them - an oft difficult feat when travelling alone. We also stopped in this picturesque country town for lunch. Yes it was very touristy but it was right by the ocean but had all of these cool fields with wild flowers and cows (more cows) chilling out in them. All these sights culminated in another three hour bus ride back.

(Three hour bus trip back?! Jesus I'd rather just ... )

Although I didn't really plan it I ended up taking a trip into Belfast to visit my friend David from when I studied in Miami back in 2007. Some of you may remember David from that time there was a streaker at the MTV movie awards. It was good Friday around this point and for some reason (religion) Ireland will not allow anyone to buy or sell alcohol on good Friday so at 12am sharp bars stopped selling the fun-juice which meant a fairly early night. Fortunately, most people started early so were pretty ok to go home. The next day we went to see where the Titanic was built (didn't go in) and just hung out really! I had a plan to catch back in Dublin so around 6pm that evening I hauled ass BACK to Dublin airport to fly back to London.

(David's world stage debut feat. Hayden Panettiere)

I liked Ireland! I was worried it would be similar to England and while yes there were some similarities I think it was distinct enough for it to be a stand alone venture. Once I hit Northern Ireland I could see some of the things I'm used to from London but Dublin was notably different I thought. I didn't drink as much as I thought probably due to the family I stayed with not being drinkers much at all but I had my fair share. Ireland is cool you guys.

Scotland - Glasgow

This marks my first foray into the country to the north. For a while I've intended to visit my friend Kirsty who I met in Portugal. She was working in the hostel when we met and we just clicked I suppose. So now - almost a year later - I've finally gotten the time/energy to venture up to visit her.

(This is her profile picture so she can't hate me for using this)

I do want to point out though that trains are like 75 pounds! Extortionate! Flights are cheaper but I just massively can't be fagged with schlepping to an airport and waiting blah blah. It's the Australian in me I'm sure ... airports are not to be taken lightly! A trip to the airport is a several-hour long slog as far as I'm concerned. So in order to justify the cost I opted to experiment with the sleeper bus option. To be clear this is a bus that supposedly allows you to actually sleep (i.e on a horizontal surface) and isn't a regular bus that goes at night. Which is all probably just as well as the journey takes 8 hours. Result?

(PRISON BUS)

To be fair I did sleep reasonably well and it's half the price of a train. I arrived in the land of kilts and gingers or whatever somewhat weary and curious. Most stereotypes of Scottish weather have proven so far to be pretty spot on. The main weather pattern for my time in Glasgow could be described as 'drizzly' or just simply 'grey'. Not willing to have my spirits dampened so quickly Kirsty and I took a stroll down Sauchiehall street which probably isn't pronounced how you think it is and saw the wonders of Glasgow at 7am on a Thursday morning.

(Can't be bothered rotating this. You get the point)

I wouldn't say Glasgow has much in the way of AmAzInG sights to see but it was nice to stroll around the town and the park. It seems Glaswegians are pretty stoked about this guy Lord Kelvin. He's got like a park, a river, a hall and TWO subway stations named after him. Here is a list of some of Lord Kelvin's achievements.

- A mirror galvanometer. Awesome.
- A form of temperature measurement
- The second fucking law of thermodynamics

Perhaps he warrants the hype. Who knows? I certainly haven't met him.

I didn't really have any particular need to go sightseeing - I just enjoyed the casual strolling and chatting. Besides, the weather wasn't exactly conducive to daytime frolicking so we just kind of wandered around the city. We spent some time at the Necropolis which is a somewhat dramatically named cemetery that gave a cool view of the cathedral and a beer factory.

(There it is!)

This was followed by beer (not from the factory). We did that a lot actually - drink I mean. Really at any opportunity. ha.

(...and from a variety of vessels)

I spent some time with Kirsty's housemate, Iona, and her boyfriend Adam. We went to the Barra markets which I guess would be described as a dilapidated and sparsely populated marketplace where people sell crap. Want a collection of old VHS films? You got it Lassy! Want a single shoe? It's yours. East Glasgow it seems is best avoided.

(Pictured: rusty paint can, VHS player, a different rusty paint can, a single shoe, a bowl ... so much more)

To be honest with you I didn't really notice much difference between England and Scotland. Walking down the main strip they have the same shops and aside from a curious difference in accent that varies in strength from the light word differences to the downright unintelligible. For those among you unaware - Scotland is trying to get independence from the UK. It didn't really impact my stay but ... it's worth noting. I don't have an opinion.

We all went out on the last night and it was awesome. I won't go into the details but needless to say I got a hi-5 from some rando for my amazing dance skills. I just sort of punch my arms out and move my legs... it's tricky to explain but obviously it's the best dance in the world.

(sexual fiasco)

On my way back I decided to stop through Manchester to visit my friend Eliana. It worked out to be cheaper to go through Manchester on my way back to London anyway - go figure. I was a bit tired so we had some soup and what not. Returned to London in the evening and fell into a slumber ready to get back into work on the Monday.

Quarter Life Crisis - survival guide

I am a modern man. As a bearded homosexual that lacks passions and has the emotions of a 45 year old woman - I feel that I am more than capable of living in this modern world of ours. I'm working as a teacher, I have friends, good family, high spirits and all that shit. So why is it then that at the tender age of 25 I have become so reflective of my life?

To begin, let me give you some context. As a teacher it is largely my role to stand in front of a class and shout at students to shut the fuck up and sit down and do some god damn work. It can be pretty trying but undoubtedly my entire year of education has trained me in the art of dishing out detentions, telling kids off in many different and unique ways, and of course the sacred art of the death stare. How more people aren't joining this profession is beyond me. I feel like I may have liked it at some stage but a part of me may have manufactured that memory to get me through the days.

(or through the hour)

I've never had a relationship. I honestly don't know if it's something I'd be interested in or if I'm 100% awesome by myself and don't need anyone else. I sleep around, sure. I'm a functional adult male. However there have certainly been people in the past that I have wanted to continue something with... but it has just never worked out. Cry for me, Argentina.

Finally I should mention that I'm living in London and not my native Australia. This means there is a certain extent of isolation and unfamiliarity with my surroundings. That is to say, when feeling down I don't necessarily have the same ability to go to a comfort zone as I'm intrinsically out of it. I'm enjoying London though so I can't blame that. However, I'm sure it isn't helping the situation!

So I supply you, newly loyal readers, on the tips and tricks to helping you overcome your self-entitled, wanky, excuse to be miserable - quarter life crisis. You may relate to some and not so much to others but I'm sure you'll glean something from this at the very least.


Do: Decide you need a new career... and of course tell everyone including your co-workers this.

Do not: Have any idea what you want to do or how you'll go about achieving this change.

Teaching is pretty much the best job ever because of reasons. I love marking over a hundred tests every few weeks. I super love having to break up fights in the classroom and of course I super mega love that empty feeling at the end of the day when one feels completely defeated. That was, granted, a lot of sarcasm in one dose but you get the idea. So what now? Perhaps you should try to network your way into a job instead of going back to uni and studying like a savage. Network with your vast amount of ... or at least your small pocket of friends. Success is just around the corner.

(patronising new mug purchased? check)

Do: Go out drinking on strange nights and stay up way too late.

Do not: Remain well rested and energised for your bright future.

Getting into work at 7:00am with a raging hangover is just the ticket for those riding out a quarter life crisis. Of course you will have selected the worst possible day to do this and you'll accept the consequences with as much responsibility as you can muster given the situation. The students you encounter will all become magnified and as your hangover starts to fade, time will slow down. One day will be split into pre- and post-hangover and your whole sense of time will be wiped out the window. Don't fight it, just hope others don't question you on the day's events.


Do: Tell everyone everything you're thinking and feeling.

Do not: Express yourself through productive mediums at healthy intervals.

Who cares if the person has just coincidentally sat down opposite you at Starbucks. Bleed your heart out to them. Just dump all of your emotions on any, and all parties within your proximity. You have become a martyr to your own cause now and people need to recognise! You are surely the only person to be going through these feelings. Feel free to elaborate on that guy who has you down and your entire history together up until this point. Don't forget to mention how you hate your job and how expensive London is. Finally point out how exhausted you have made yourself but how it's not you it's your quarter life crisis. People love hearing about it.

(this un-funny comic brought to you by the INTERNET)

Do: Wear yourself out to complete exhaustion

Do not: maintain a healthy lifestyle whatsoever.

This requires you to stay up late, wake up early, not eat much, exercise, and then plan shitty classes in any gaps between. Frankly if you have any energy at all then you're not quarter life crisis-ing hard enough. You should have moments when you stare unblinkingly out the window for inappropriately long amounts of time and you should have difficulty forming coherent thoughts - such as what you did the day before. When you go to the gym don't expect a whole lot to happen as you lie on the stretching area's mat and stare at the ceiling mouthing words to your favourite songs on your headphones.


Do: Go out drinking with that guy you liked even after he says he doesn't want a relationship.

Do not: Keep your distance.

Because you're totally over him right? Because you think it'll be fun to just be friends right? Now watch as you start becoming insecure about every facet of your life and then get secretly miffed when he's talking to someone else outside. This is also an opportunity to reflect about your financial situation and how you have very little to your name. Ace. While out drinking you should probably also participate in karaoke or something else humiliating in front of a crowd just to really get into the swing of your mid 20s.

(Like this fucking PLAYER!)

By the end of this you will be so out of sorts that all you can do is write an internet blog about it laughing at yourself. Ha.


I should note that I am ok. In actuality your outpourings of support have been absolutely the nicest things. I'm a rational enough guy to see what I need to do to get myself tip-top so I'll just plough my way there. Expect to hear about it!

Get Kris a Kareer.

I decided the other day that teaching isn't for me. I was sitting in front of a computer staring at the screen and dreading the day ahead and I decided right then and there that it's not a path I'm going to pursue. Spending 80% of my time telling students to sit down, be quite, stop hitting each other, and to stop stealing each others' pens is just exhausting. It's not why I wanted to be a teacher. So I'm going to explore other options before I put my fist through the shell of bone that is/are my student's skull.

Only problem IS, my faithful children of the internet, is that I'm not actually qualified to do much else. Oh sure, I can wait tables like a god damn CHAMPION and, yeah, I've got retail skills - but nothing meaty. Nothing substantial that I can wave in front of an employers face and be all like "yeah guy, I'm the man for the job".

(I'll even awkwardly smile at your racist jokes)

This leaves me in a bit of a quandary. How am I supposed to move sideways or up in my career progression? Fortunately I'm of an adequate age to be starting again in this sense but I'm in a different country dontcha know. I don't have time nor the economic capacity to be going back to uni to learn this sort of thing! Besides, I'm surrounded by examples of people who have succeeded without university so I know it can be done. Just gotta get down and do it.

My strategies for now are to write in this blog more frequently in case I end up going for a job in social media (this includes ramping up my twitter account: https://twitter.com/KrisComma ) and also to start networking. It's who you know, not what you know - right? I'm going to try and use the gay network to the best of my ability. I'm not saying that I will prostitute myself by any means but if it comes to a situation where I'm trading sex for steady employment then .... it's a grey area I'm willing to look into. Don't you judge me!

 

(Case in point, I do not know Barack Obama personally - hence why he has not employed me)

I can write to generation Y! I can convey tone! Sure my punctuation is all awry and, yes, my turn of phrase can be quite roundabout... but some people (myself) think it's endearing (because it IS) so I'm not going to stop. Let's hope operation "Get Kris a Kareer" goes well. I'll keep you posted.

Kris.